Memoirs, Chapter 1

On July 18, 2022, I officially began my ministry at CCC as their Senior Pastor.

As I started my first day, I thought about how it had been a year or two in the making. However, upon reflection, it was actually years in the making, as God had been preparing me, my whole life, for that moment.

From the first moments I had begun to wonder about my purpose in life as a third grader, God had been drawing me to this calling.

It had been years of searching for God through valleys and rough paths before I found Jesus. That day, in March of 1996, I realized that while I had been searching for God, all along, it had been God searching for me. There was never a moment when I was alone. God had been calling me over and over again and leading me on this path so I could know God in a deeply connected, deeply fulfilling relationship.

To find a treasure after you’ve been on a long journey in search of it — there are no words to adequately describe the feelings.

You value it in a way that someone who never really searched cannot. For the one who had to search long and hard–it’s a treasure that’s held dear. When I found God, I decided that I never wanted to take God for granted. I wanted to always remember how lost I had felt and then how much joy at finding God.

Not only that, but to have found treasure after a long journey leaves you with a spirited drive to share it with others.

In truth, real treasure hunters may not be so compelled. For financial reasons or whatever else, they might rather keep it to themselves. But what if the treasure was a historical find? Something monumental that would change history–the way we think of the past and the way we think about the future? There is, then, a sense of urgency to proclaim the discovery, a sense of destiny to shout it from the rooftops.

This was how I felt when I found Jesus. I wanted everyone to taste and see that God is good. And this impulse was the foundation for my call to ministry, which led me to that day and moment, when I became the senior pastor at CCC.

Click here for Chapter 2.

Memoirs, Chapter 24

The first time I met Sam in person, he was coming out of the gate at SFO.

I had brought my friend with me. Of course, I did. I did not want to meet a complete stranger alone, even if we were out in public.

And I was holding my friend’s baby. Why? Because I didn’t know if I should hug him? Shake his hand? Give him a high five? We were strangers and yet we were not strangers at that point. Holding a baby warded off that awkwardness. For a moment.

We walked with him to get his luggage, and then she and her baby left us to ourselves.

So, Sam and I headed to In-N-Out. Yes, our first date was at In-N-Out. And it was filled with a flurry of emotions. There was the excitement of finally meeting in-person. There was the awe of knowing that this could really be the beginning of a new chapter in both of our lives. And there was the nervousness of realizing that face-to-face was totally different than all the emails and all the text messages we’d had up until that point. We were sharing our real thoughts in real time; no more hiding behind any screens. And it was a mixture of so much wonder, and wondering, and wonderful all at the same time.

After lunch, we wandered around on a trail near the bay waters and then headed to my friends’ house, where he would be staying for the night. I had planned to make dinner for all of us. My reasons were 1: Impress him with my cooking skills (yes, I said that out loud). And 2: This would give my friends a chance to get to know him (read: evaluate if he was good enough).

The night couldn’t have gone any better than I could’ve imagined. The four of us ate, talked, and laughed. I mean really laughed. Like rolled on the floor laughing.

Then, after awhile, they left us alone to talk in the living room. It was time for real talk. Sam and I knew we wanted to explore a relationship more, and having met in person confirmed that we could (and should!) continue to explore. But a long distance relationship was not on the table. I was also ready to seek what was next in my ministry journey. I had loved training, equipping, and shepherding short-termers, but I could see that serving at that missions agency was not meant to be long term. Sam’s plan had been to return from his mid-term missions’ trip and start seminary and get trained for ministry overseas. We voiced all our thoughts and plans. And then we came to a decision at the end of the conversation. We decided that maybe the right course was for me to move back to my hometown and for him to come find me there. We could date in-person and see where God leads us.

And so we said good night. The next day, he got on the plane and flew back home to Louisiana.

Memoirs – Main Character

I was reading in Acts and came across this thing that God said, “What kind of house will you build for me?” The question seems to echo off the chambers of my soul. What kind of house could I (possibly) build for God? In my point of view, I’ve been the main character. I’ve had the mindset that I’m coming in and gonna do all this stuff. I’m the heroine in the story. I’m going to save the day. I’m going to build a house for God.

But, I’ll tell you something. Before I started this call, I saw this meme that said, “Pastors think they’re gonna change the world, but they can’t even change the bulletin!”

It made me laugh. I knew it was poking fun of the fact that it’s hard to lead change. But I had no idea how much those words would haunt me. It has turned out to be prophetic, painful-reality, and encouraging all at the same time. Knowing, just knowing, that I am not the only one who has had to face and is facing the difficulties of leading change–that has made me both able to and unable to breathe at the same time.

But if I am barely breathing, then maybe I’ve got it all wrong?

Isn’t it plain proof that I think I’m the main character?

And, in truth, I am not the main character after all. God is, and God’s the one who’s gonna save the day. God is going to build God’s own house. And I’m just here for the ride. This story is a story about God.

Memoirs – Omnicompetence

When I was in seminary, one of my assignments was to do a “case study” of a ministry situation. We could pick anyone to interview and then analyze their situation. I chose an experience from one of my friends in ministry. As I wrote about his situation, I assessed that the difficulty he had with the elders of his church was that they expected omnicompetence from him. Essentially, there’s this an affliction in the church where the church body expects omnicompetence from the pastor. In other words, the church requires this one individual–the pastor–to “do it all”. The pastor must be good at preaching, coming up with vision, strategy, evangelism, counseling, visitations, training up leaders, always ready to pray at events, always ready to MC…and the list goes on. In reality, there is no single person who can do it all. There is no person who has all the skills and gifts that are being demanded by an entire congregation (God just doesn’t give out gifts that way!). Not only that, but there is no person who has the capacity/bandwidth to do all that a congregation demands…even if she/he had all the skillset for it. And, sadly, the job of a pastor is the only job where there are 100 job descriptions for the one person…meaning, each congregant has a different job description in mind for their pastor. And so, it is literally impossible for the pastor to please everyone. My friend was fired from his job for not being omnicompetent. It’s really absurd when you take a step back and call it what it was. But tragic, so tragic, that many pastors have been slaughtered in their call because people are expecting them to be God (omni).

Memoirs – Loneliness

When I was an associate pastor, I didn’t really experience the loneliness in ministry that people talk about. I was aware of it and had encountered partial slivers of it, but I didn’t experience it fully.

But what I remember is my last day as an associate pastor when I was saying my goodbyes. I had a memorable conversation with one individual. I’ll never forget it, because she looked me in the eyes–her eyes filled with tears–and she said that she would be praying for me for friendships. She said she was the daughter of a pastor, and so she knew how lonely it would be in the senior pastor role.

And I was so struck by this moment! On one hand, I felt in my spirit that it was prophetic–it felt like she was giving me a glimpse into my future. But, on the other hand, I brushed it off and was focused on being moved by her tears because I felt her care for me through them.

But whether it was prophetic or just tangible love, her sentiment stayed with me.

And I knew that starting fresh at a new church would be like starting fresh anywhere. I knew I’d start without any friends, but I felt hopeful that over time, I’d make them. After all, this wasn’t the first time I started fresh somewhere. My family of origin moved a ridiculous amount of times. And I’d started over in college, when I moved to the Bay Area, at new churches, and when I started seminary. In every place, I prayed that God would give me one spiritual friend, and God always answered.

But this time, it feels different.

Maybe it’s because I didn’t start out as a member of the church with friendships already established. Or maybe it’s because there’s certain expectations placed on me, whether real or imagined, that make it hard to have real, authentic, mutual friendships. But I feel this loneliness in ministry now like I’ve never experienced before.

And so, despite the fact that I left off in my memoirs sometime back in the past, I realize that I need to pick up this story from where I am, submitting my reflections in the here and now, because somewhere in my writings, God always hears me and meets me in them. And so, I pray, with these reflections, “Lord, listen to my voice when I cry out—have mercy on me and answer me,” Psalm 27:7.

Words of Hope & Encouragement

As we turn the page from one year to the next, we may feel nervous; we may feel hopeful. In moments like these, I find it helpful to search the Scriptures and ask God for words of encouragement and hope that I can hold onto in the new year. Click on the link below “Promises for New Year” to find some verses that have spoken to me. Perhaps they will speak to you as well. Perhaps there’s one in particular that you’d like to commit to memory as your “verse of the year.” If so, feel free to download the document. Print and cut it out. Post it somewhere and read it every day.

Promises for New YearDownload

For You

As long as I have breath,
(God, you leave me breathless.)
I will breathe for you.

As long as my body can move,
(God, you really move me.)
I will live for you.

The Real You

When I turn to you, God,
I find you here.
Here you are —
You’re always with me.
You never miss a beat,
And you don’t miss a moment.

In truth, I impose on you
the imperfections of people,
But, you, God, are not
imperfect humanity,
in our inconsistency to love
with honest faithfulness.
You, God, stand apart
in your steadfast love,
without condemnation.

And when I press
into your presence,
I find the real you, here,
and I’m kinda bowled over.
I’m kinda overwhelmed.

This, then, isn’t
stonefaced,
rigid religion.
It’s real,
ever-deepening,
completely breathtaking,
wondrous, healing love.

I Am Not Alone

When I turn to you, God,
I find you here.
Right here with me—
so close,
so near,
so dear.

Your presence wraps around my heart,
Like a blanket from a dryer,
releasing warmth and affection.

I am not alone.

When I breathe in,
I breathe you in,
and I breathe in your healing presence.
Your love washes over me,
floods me, and envelops me.

More wondrous than words—
More incredible than imaginings,
I find you here,
so close,
so near,
so dear.

And I am not alone.

Lost in Love

Lately, I’m so lost in love.
My mind is wandering,
My thoughts meandering.
I’m longing to
Linger and loiter
In the lobby of your heart.
Hungry to hear
and to draw near.
Will there ever be a time
when there’s time enough?
Even eternity seems too brief.
And so I linger and I loiter,
So lost in love with you.

Aches

What do we do when our body aches?
When our stomach aches?
Or our head aches?
Or our joints ache?

And what do we do with our inner aches?
When our heart aches?
Or our soul aches?
Or our spirit aches?

How quickly we find—
There’s no balm in Gilead,
There’s no physician there!

And yet here is God—
God is here,
Who can heal. 
Who can help.
Who can repair. 

And so it’s
To you, God,
I sing,
and to you, Lord,
I cling.